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.jpg) What to do when someone who loves us is hurting us?
The next workshop will take place in April 2011
To be scheduled soon!
Stay tuned: www.facebook.com/#!/group.php
THERE WILL BE CONFLICT, but in conflict we get deeper with one another, and closer. Following six simple (though very challenging) steps is the best way I know to talk to people I trust when things get intense.
In the workshop I will teach you the steps, give you juicy examples and an opportunity to practice, discuss, discover. Fun, challenges, and a big AaaHaah are included!
WHAT WE'LL COVER:
* How to be vulnerable and get compassion, instantly
* Emotions, needs, thoughts and instincts untangled
* Anger - what to do with it
* Practice, practice, practice
This is the meaty core from several Assertive Language/Non-violent Communication styles. No fluff or shaky philosophy, just guts and how to get'er done!
WHAT TO DO when it seems like someone who loves us is hurting our feelings? Even though we are hurt and scared, it helps to get MORE vulnerable. Here's how to be vulnerable with people we trust:
Open up. The deep truth is always best. Jung said Everyone already knows everything about everybody. We are just so used to living without honesty that we think it's normal to withhold and fudge and lie. Argh! All our withholds keep the therapists, pharmaceutical companies, psych hospitals, TV networks, drug dealers, liquor stores, junk food manufacturers, and retailers thriving. But, the truth brings profound freedom and joy.
Emotions are not complicated! Emotions are not instincts, needs, thoughts, sensations or accusations. Here is what the the nine emotions look like:
There will be conflict, but in conflict we get deeper with one another. Following the six simple (though very challenging) steps below is the best way I know to talk to safe, sane people when things get intense.
- Do: Stick to the formula. It’s been tested. Improvise only if you have mastered it.
- Don’t: Lecture, patronize, blame, use “you” very often, yell (without permission and a special agreement to have a session), hit, or throw things.
The Six Steps
1. When you (just briefly describe behavior; don't judge) , I felt (sadness, pain, fear).
2. My stinkin’ thinkin’ was that you... /or/ I automatically projected that you...
3. The earliest memory I have right now of this flavor of (sadness, pain, fear) was when I was age __ and (what happened).
4. I need (safety/survival, love/belonging, fun, freedom, power).
5. Could we try me (behavior) and you (behavior)?
6. Your turn. I will listen now. You can use this formula, or say whatever you like. I will step out of my distressed feelings now and give you my delighted attention, whatever you say.
After you both share, together negotiate #5. Make a mutually agreed upon plan for both of you to act differently.
Example
I was arguing with my lover when our relationship was in decline. It was too hot and I was scared. A good male friend, who was attracted to her, was there and we were all in a hurry. I said something angry and mean to her, and he swatted my head from behind, not hard. I spun around and nearly hit him. I wish I had turned and said to him:
1. When you just hit me, I felt sadness and pain.
2. I automatically projected that you were after my lover and trying to humiliate and embarrass me in front of her.
3. The earliest memory I have right now of this flavor of sadness and pain was when I was age about 7 and I spilled the milk and dad slapped my face at the table in front of the extended family – I don’t even clearly remember it, but my older cousin does, and, when she tells the story, it comes back clearly.
4. I need safety and love.
5. Could we try me not yelling at my lover and you not hitting me, but telling me what’s up for you if I do get angry?
6. Your turn. I will listen now. You can use this formula, or say whatever you like. I will step out of my distressed feelings now and give you my delighted attention, whatever you say.
Remember
- You can either have a relationship or you can be right.
- You can either be right, or you can be happy.
- The alternative to tragedy is damnation. ~Blake
- Anger directed at someone is insanity. Anger destroys relationships. Anger is a secondary emotion (even though patriarchy pushes it down so deep in women that it feels primary).
- Anger is the cork in the champagne bottle. The cork that will hurt if you aim it wrongly. Get to the good stuff, the champagne! It's exciting and a big discharge to scream at someone, but it does damage, creates anxiety, ruins trust. Anger can open things up, uncover passion, etc, but, don't cultivate it in the garden of your relationship! Always try to get directly to the more honest layers below anger. Go to a friend, therapist, priest - anyone else - and share your anger with them in preparation for sharing your deeper feelings with the person you're mad at.
- If you must get angry directly at your lover, try to do so in a session. The person you're mad at agrees to hold space for you, stepping into the role of co-counselor, listening neutrally and kindly, and not letting your strong emotions do damage.
- Love is always having to say you’re sorry.
Exercise
Breathe the nine emotions through like this:
- Soften a layer of holding in the belly before each inhalation.
- Inhale the stuck emotions into the head and down into the belly, where they transform into yuck emotions.
- Relax and open your heart as the breath comes up from the belly. Fill your chest with air.
- Exhale the yum emotions out into the world.
"You are owed a huge debt from childhood.
You will never be repaid.
Forgive the debt."
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